Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Is this like a preordered booty call?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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