were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
