he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
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Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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