Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
