Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
