I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
