your parents love me but you hate me
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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