someone threw a dead crab at me
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
