I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house