he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
