How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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