my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You don't make any sense
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