HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
