Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
