One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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