At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
