remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
