allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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