If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i think i have herpe
just one?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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