I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
