thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
