if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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