marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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