he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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