I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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