i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My pussy is not your playground.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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