I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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