gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
