We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
