the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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