i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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