I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
