Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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