I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Randomize
