sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
