I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Randomize
