So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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