Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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