her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
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The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
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do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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