Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
