i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
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I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
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I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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