this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
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When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
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I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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