Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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