fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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