Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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