How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He shit in the fireplace
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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