i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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