It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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