She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
