i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
