4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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