I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
