can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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