somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
