Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
