your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
